Miserable At Best
by A Fine Frenzy
Summary: Continuation of my one-shot, I Walked Away. Not a song-fic
1. Chapter 1

**This used to be a one-shot. If you've read I Walked Away you don't need to re-read this, but otherwise you have to read this chapter. Chapter 1 and 2 have been posted simultaneous, so yeah. Hope you like it **

I stared at him in horror. Had I been deluding myself into believing what he had said, so many times? I knew the sadness was beginning to seep into my eyes, i couldn't help myself though.

The words he had said had cut into me so deep. He knew me so well, he knew exactly what to say. Those five words had broken me so bad… I just wanted the pain to end.

I wished I had chosen to begin the pain earlier, back in the forest many months ago, I wished I had made the decision to ignore as he had ignored those few weeks after the accident. It was pointless, though, to wish for things that had long past, things that I wished I had done differently.

Two days ago I destroyed my happiness as thoroughly as Romeo had destroyed his ever-lasting love. The difference was that in this very moment I was not only losing the centre-point of my life, the light in my life that had illuminated everything, but I was also losing a whole life, a whole family.

In Edward's decision I had lost the little sister I never had, the big brother I wished I had, a caring father and a loving mother. He had ripped it away so carelessly. In his hands he held my frail, frail heart, and now he was going to disappear into the forest with it still held in his hands.

I had no idea what to say, should I plead for his decision to be changed. Looking into his eyes though, those golden orbs that had me mesmerised from day one, I knew the decision would not change. His eyes went on and on, they were bottomless pits of beauty, he epitomised everything I was not.

It pained me to think that I would never again see him, never talk to him again, I would never ever have the chance to _experience _him again. The exact moment I realised this was the same moment my world came crashing down on me.

My memories of him went flying through my mind, his smile, though, was the one constant. On the face he wore now, a cold stony face, there was no trace of that heart stopping crooked smile, his eyes were no longer a liquid, changing with his moods, a stormy sea full of rage one minute and a calming ocean full of only serenity the next. No, today they were different, in fact had I been paying attention I would have realised that the emotionless orbs they had become wasn't an overnight process.

My mind had flicked through thoughts so fast I hadn't been paying attention to what the Greek God in front of me was doing. Edward had inched closer to me, I looked at his face. I looked at his face, for a moment I thought some life had flickered into his eyes. The hope that I held flared up in response, but I must have been imagining things because his face held nothing.

I knew in that moment, that no matter what this day had always been coming, me and Edward were never meant be. He in all his glory could not belong to me. His beauty compared to mine was an almost painful comparison. I looked straight into his eyes and spoke.

"I will always love you, no matter what. My heart remains with you always."

My voice came out much stronger than I thought it could. His face looked like it was chiselled from stone; I knew I would get no reaction from the statue in front of me. So I did something that I thought I would never have the strength to do.

I walked away…

**So you finished the chapter. Chapter 2 has been posted already. I hope you liked it. I don't own Twilight. Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I told you the chapters would be posted simultaneously. I have no plan for this story. Actually, to be truthful I have no plan for any of my stories. Which is a bit stupid, isn't it? One question I would like to ask, though, is whether Bella and Edward should eventually get together? One thing for sure, this isn't a Jacob and Bella story because I don't like Jacob. At all. No offense to those who do. This chapter goes back to the morning before Edward has told Bella that he's leaving. There's going to be a lot of time changes in this story and the POV's are mainly Edward and Bella's for this story.**

_Edward POV_

I had finally come to my senses. My beautiful, lovely Bella did not deserve to live with a soulless monster like me. She didn't belong with us. We were dangerous creatures, and she wasn't strong enough for us not to hurt her. She was so fragile.

I had told her so many times that I had loved her, and always would. And now I was doing what I should have done, so long ago. Because I truly loved her, I was leaving; I was making sure she didn't ever get that close to getting hurt.

I had made up my mind. I was going to leave her. It was the only thing that could protect her from me. Then, she would be free to find happiness, true love, with somebody who deserved her. She would soon forget me, and move on with her life. Even before I had left her, even before I had told her that I was to leave her, the pain was indescribable.

Merely the thought of leaving her, epitome of trouble, on her own caused a pit to form in my stomach. Would she be safe? Knowing her, she would probably not be, but I was sure that she would find her prince in shining armour to save her. I only hoped that that day came soon.

Yet there was another, evil part of me that wished that no such thing would happen. I had wanted that she be only mine. But I was leaving, and it wouldn't be fair to think such thoughts. I wanted her to forget, did I not?

Every time the thought of even staying here, to protect her was driven away by the images of _that _night. It was horrible… and it was my entire fault. I had been so selfish, this past year. Who was I to deserve someone as caring and wonderful as Bella?

Even so, before Bella my life was nothing. Just places and people who I didn't care about. It was colourless and emotionless. Everything I did was without passion. Then Bella came, and everywhere I looked, there was colour. Happiness seeped out of every corner of my dark life. There was light and for once, everything looked so… wonderful.

For once, the things I did were done out of passion. Playing the piano wasn't something I did to keep Esme happy. It was something I did because I wanted to. I didn't go to school to keep up a charade but it was to meet Bella, to experience her, and be with her.

I was so, so, so unbelievably greedy. I had risked her life, so that I could be happy. I had truly believed that my love for her could defeat anything. But when it was my own brother? I thought back to Bella's birthday, it was horrible. And I was to blame. She was almost attacked, on her own birthday no less.

Alice was taking the news badly. I could still here her accusing thoughts. She thought I was being selfish by leaving! I tried to understand what she was thinking, but it made no sense. Her thoughts were going a million miles per hour and I had no hope of catching up.

Jasper was taking it particularly hard as well. He hadn't spoken to anyone since the incident. I knew why, I could read his thoughts. It was because of the emotions. Everyone was feeling hurt, except Rosalie, especially me and that alone was pushing him over the edge. Then there was his own shame, as well as anger. I knew his ability to sense emotions were giving him trouble, I of course wasn't helping.

I had already decided that as soon as we were gone from this place that I would live far away from my family. Not only because of Jasper, but because I was ashamed. I was ashamed that something like this had happened. And now I was forcing them away from the only human they had loved.

Bella was many things to us. She was a daughter, a little sister, a best friend. They had each lost one of these things and I was to blame. I was worthless, I was an absolute idiot. I was a monster, that didn't deserve

I knew Esme and Carlisle were hurt as well. They were both losing a daughter and it hurt. I was hurting everybody these days it seemed. I could only imagine how Bella would feel. It was fortunate, though, that she was human. She wouldn't remember.

The same however could not be said for me. I had to go through eternity without her.

_Why does it rain down on Utopia?_

However, my eternity, thankfully, would end at the same time as hers. How was I to live without my everything? Granted, I wasn't actually with her, but at least she was alive. In this world, if I truly wished I could see her again. Even if I knew, it was wrong.

I went downstairs; I had to face my family soon anyway. I immediately looked over to Alice, in all of this mess she was the only one angry.

I met her glance, and heard her thoughts. Her face was stony, her eyes tortured, her mind screamed at me and all I could do was stare back with an equally tortured glance.

I wanted to collapse; I wished this day had never come. Why had it come? I turned to Esme and her eyes were filled to the brim with tears that could never be shed. I wanted to disappear into the dark hole that my existence had become and never see the accusing and heartbreaking eyes of my loved ones.

Since when had I been capable of doing so much damage? Did they hate me? Could they ever forgive me for moving them to another place?

How had I ever made this decision?

Today, only I would go to school. I wished for a clean break, it would easier to heal for her. I just hoped I could make it through the day without telling Bella how sorry I truly was, how much I loved her and how I wished things could be different.

But I couldn't, how on Earth would I explain to her this whole mess. I could almost imagine her telling me that it didn't matter to her. How would I be able to resist. No, I had to be strong. I had to let her move on…

**It's finished! Told ya the chapters would come straight after each other. That line about Utopia came from one of Within Temptation's songs. They're a cool bad, check them out! I have a feeling this chapter isn't as good as the first, the first was raw and based off emotions I was already feeling, this one… not so much. Please review! ****AND FOR GOD SAKE FLAME ME!**** On that pleasant note, have a nice day ****.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi guys! I'm sorry that I haven't been updating all that much, but my life has taken a decidedly angsty turn. I will try to update, but every time I do sit down to write I'll start off happy and cheery and by the end someone is dead, or in so much emotional pain they decide to cut themselves, or are on the verge of suicide … you get the idea. I guess I'm just not in the space of mind to update. But I will soldier on! Read and review!**

The pain that he had caused by leaving… he had no idea. I lay here on my bed and all I could do was think about the times we spent together. I analysed every memory, I second-guessed everything. Had he truly meant that he loved me?

I knew I had walked away, bit was it the right choice. I knew for a fact that me and him had no right to be together. He was a Greek God, and even though I knew, I was no Plain Jane my beauty paled in comparison to his overpowering pull.

His golden eyes were liquid and showed nothing but love and adoration, but were that doubt that I saw deep inside his eyes?

That is how I spent weeks of my life. In the day was plagued by doubt, my mind was deluged with suggestions I was boring, uninteresting and, in general, just unlikeable.

The illness that weighed me down during the day, however, was nothing compared to the night.

The horrifying, terrible qualities that the night possessed frightened me. It was when my doubts truly came out to play.

The dreams that I experienced were not gruesome, and in a way, were not truly frightening. Well, they wouldn't be to anyone else. But then again, had anyone else experienced what I had?

The answer was a resounding no, I knew of no human that knew of the existence of vampires. I wished I wasn't so alone, I wished Edward's secret didn't hold me back as it did now.

It would have been much easier if Edward had been human, and the pain that I felt was nothing more than a teenager losing their first boyfriend.

But I wasn't that lucky, the pain I felt was closer to the pain one feels when they lose their true love, a best friend, a sister, a mother, a father and brother. The pain I felt was the pain of losing a family and a way of life.

Who was I to complain though? I had received more than a lifetime of happiness whilst the Cullen clan was her, and now was the time for me to receive the lifetime of sadness that everyone had to go through.

Sometimes I wished that they would come back. It was a nice feeling when you could, if you really wanted, to be able to bet one million dollars that some one loved you.

These days, I wasn't so sure. Of all the times, that _he _had told me that he loved me, could that all just be taken back with 5 words? Was it truly possible?

I knew my mind said yes. He had made it obvious that he didn't want me anymore in the forest; I always knew that the day would come. I had walked away from him! I was so sure before of this simple fact, but now it had joined the many uncertainties that had formed in my mind.

My heart always said, no. He had told me a million times that he loved me, would his brother attacking me really stop him? In Phoenix, he promised that he would stay whilst it was still safe. He didn't ever say anything about leaving me because he didn't love me.

I turned to the clock that lay beside my old, rickety bed. Its numbers read 6:35. _Yet another night wasted _I thought to myself. I had woken at 2am by the mysterious and troubling dreams. At least this time I hadn't screamed.

I still didn't know why I screamed. According to Charlie, it was a shriek of pure pain. Obviously, I wasn't meant to hear that, but I couldn't help but eavesdrop as he yelled down the phone line to my mother, Renee, in Phoenix.

I sighed, I decided to get up, I knew for a fact that Charlie had left on another fishing expedition with Billy. It was early, but it wasn't like I had anything to do.

Slowly, I eased myself off the bed. I acted instinctively and turned to the mirror in the corner of the room. I saw myself and almost cried.

My normally shiny and luscious hair hung in dirty strands, lank and obviously filthy. It framed my thin and emaciated face.

My eyes looked abnormally large; the brown eyes not a chocolate anymore but a monotone brown. There was no life in them anymore. It had been sucked out the day Edward left.

The bags underneath my eyes were almost purple, no doubt from the countless sleepless nights.

My shoulders were hunched, almost defensively. I straightened up, then immediately hunched over again. My head was drooped, and in an attempt to dispel the pathetic reflection that faced me, I lifted it up. It didn't help.

My skin was pale; I certainly looked like the part albino that I claimed to be when I first moved to Forks. My skin was unhealthy though, it was obvious because the usual glow was not there.

From far away I could pass as a vampire. My eyes were dark enough, my skin pale enough. The only thing that wasn't quite up to par was the beauty. I looked horrible, and that's putting it nicely. Alice wouldn't be happy.

I giggled, then immediately stopped. The sound bounced off the pale yellow walls. I was shocked. It had been three weeks since Edward left and since then, I had not so much as cracked a smile let alone laugh. I felt like laughing again. In joy or in celebration, maybe both, I did not care.

_I wanted to feel weightless._

Maybe I was moving on? I didn't care; the relief that came with being to laugh was amazing.

I though I was crazy, who found so much pleasure in being able to laugh? I wanted to run around, for the first time in three weeks I felt energetic. I wanted to go somewhere, I wanted to do something. Maybe I could cook, maybe I could read, I could even write something.

All I knew was that the urge to do something was slowly taking over me. I settled on reading. I decided that a trip to the ER was a bit too much, and that the neighbours wouldn't like the whirring of blending machine this early in the morning.

I looked over at my book collection, I would take it slow. Definitely not Jane Austen, half her characters are named… I shook my head. No unhappy thoughts, I told myself sternly.

I looked through the shelf.

Maximum Ride? No, I wasn't a huge fan of half human half bird hybrids.

Narnia? No, the Lion was never my favourite character, and I always thought that Susan was pretentious.

Alex Rider? No, if I wanted crime and a bit of espionage I would whip out the James Bond movies.

Harry Potter? God, yes. It was exactly what I was looking for. He had his own problems. Maybe I could lose myself in his world so I wouldn't have to face mine.

As time passed, I lost interest. Hogwarts didn't provide much of distraction. The feeling that had filled me previously was slowly beginning to lose its touch. After awhile I discovered that I wasn't even reading anymore.

Then, for only the second time after his departure, I cried. It was the second time the numbness had worn off. I cried for so long, but I didn't care. Deep down, I was rejoicing because I knew I was getting better.

Maybe, just maybe there was a chance that I wouldn't mourn over his leaving for my whole life. Maybe, just maybe I could begin to look back on the memories of us in happiness. Maybe, just maybe I might even be able to say his name again.

Just maybe.

**Not as depressing as I thought it would be. There are a lot of time jumps in this story, its up to you to keep up. Sorry for the slow updates. I do not own Twilight. Please review and have a nice day. Finally broke the four page mark **** GO ME! **


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter is in Edward POV, in case you didn't realise the last chapter was in Bella POV. For the people who review, I'd just like to mention that I do respond to your reviews and thank you so much for them! I do not own Twilight, please read and review!**

Thoughts of her would not leave my mind. Her scent, her soft blush, her endearing clumsiness. Every time I closed my eyes, her face would come to mind.

I didn't care if I was going mad, as long as I got to spend eternity engulfed in her memories, they could take me anywhere.

We had recently moved to Cornell, after Carlisle and Esme realised that being in Alaska made no improvement to my current depression.

Life had lost its colour; my existence had lost its reason. Even the stars of reason that existed in my universe of life had lost their sheen. I was on the verge of being sucked into a black hole and I didn't know whether I could stop myself from falling in.

My whole family tried to wake me up again from the trance I had fallen into, but I couldn't see them through the haze of memories, I couldn't hear them through Bella's voice.

The days passed so slowly, before I met Bella, years seemed to pass y in the blink of an eye.

These days, however, a second seemed to feel like ten years. I couldn't even pass a second without being reminded of my Bella… and it was killing me inside.

Would she be safe? God knows how much danger she can attract! Jasper and Alice had left, the pain that had consumed me was too much for Jasper to handle. He had told me before he left that he couldn't handle being around the pain because he knew that he had caused it.

I don't know how many times I told him that it wasn't his fault, that it was me. I had been so stupid as to think that a human girl could be around us and not get hurt. And know, because of my foolishness my whole family had been split up.

It hurt Esme and Carlisle as well, they weren't used to being without their whole family. It wasn't the same without Alice's constant chatter, and even though she talked to us over the phone, it just wasn't the same.

Everything was my fault; I had been the idiot that decided that, guess what? My love is true and pure that I can save her from anything.

But now I had decided that true to my love, I should save her from everything.

That meant me. She shouldn't be forced to spend her whole life with a soulless monster like me. I knew she believed that I did have a soul, but I knew the truth.

How could someone like me have a soul? I fed on the blood of others; I killed others for my own existence.

When I was finally free of this wretched existence, I was sure that I would be sent to the seventh circle of hell. I could not, no scratch that, I would not let my beautiful, kind and caring Bella to ever experience that.

Sometimes I wondered whether my decision to return to Forks after that first torturous Biology lesson had been the right one. Look, where I was now, pining after a girl I would never have.

I stared into the mirror of the bathroom I was currently standing; I saw none of the beauty that Bella supposedly saw every time she looked at me.

I wanted to slam my fist into the mirror, to see the cracks like spider webs through the glass, most of all I wish I could smash my face, mainly so I wouldn't be able to see the monster that was my reflection.

Instead I studied my features, I studied my features and tried to find the monster me, to find flaws in myself so I could prove to myself that Bella was wrong, and that I wasn't beautiful or lovely or anything else she had ever called me

I saw myself for a truly was; a predator that only lurked in the darkest of dreams. My eyes had turned coal black, and yet they were as inviting as they were when they were golden, my skin seemed paler, if that was possibly, and if a behavioural expert were to look at me they would say that I was a defeated man.

I was defeated; I had lost the love of my life, the love of my _existence _because of what I was.

I wanted so many things, I often wondered whether the decision that I had made was the right one. I wondered how Bella was doing. I wondered if Bella had found another man that could love her the right way.

A surge of anger ran through me after the last thought. It quickly died down though; I had no right over Bella. I had left her, not the other one.

I felt a wince of pain as I remembered her face. I pushed back those memories. I cursed my memory, I would never be able to forget her, or her face, or her scent. There were times when my senses were not a blessing but a curse. This was one of those times…

As I walked back to my bed, I thought about all the things I wished for, I wondered about and the things that kept me thinking all the time.

I wished I was six feet under the ground like I should be, I wished I was a mortal man, I wished I could have been human, I wished I could have a soul, I wished Bella had never loved and I her, I wished I had ran away that Biology lesson, but most of all I wished I could be with Bella.

**You know what I realised? That I'm better at writing angst that i am at writing angst. That's just weird... Anyways, just thought i would say that Insert Title Here and A New Day, A New Beginning have both been put on hold for a while as i re-write them. Frankly, they've been written pretty badly. Please read and review and have a good day! And I'm sorry for the short chapter.**


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